the completer
I started 2024, fresh out of a situationship with residual pain, a new job after nearly two years of being “funemployed” and several vows to myself that I was going to take this year by the balls and make it mine. Having never executed anything I’ve ever set out to do, I heavily doubted this blind faith and constantly questioned exactly how I’d do that.
And for the first time in my life, I began to understand what it meant to,
“have the audacity”
Interestingly enough,
Audacity or the concept of having it was not foreign to me. Whether it was rebelling against every last one of my mother’s wishes or confidently and consistently showing up late to work, I always had some form of audacity because authority never really worked on me.
I spent years watching people I know and don’t know dare to dream, in awe of their gall to take the unbeaten path, thinking they must’ve had some special kind of luck that I just so happened to luck out on. I’d always been a dreamer but thought they’d always remain just that, dreams.
“There was no way someone like me, from my background, could actually make it out” is often what I’d tell myself with every inch I tried to take towards having audacity when it came to my dreams.
In 2018, my best friend Fatuma Yusuf, got signed as a hijabi-wearing model to Wilhelmina, one of the world’s leading modeling and talent agencies. My entire reality up until then and everything I thought I knew was completely disrupted in the best way possible. Within a couple of weeks, she was on a one-way flight to New York City to pursue her wildest dreams and just one short year later, she was being featured in Vogue. I think it was at that moment that my whole world view changed and it really hit me. Shit was possible for us too.
She broke my fourth wall (pause)
Here is a girl with a background and upbringing nearly identical to mine, who dared to dream. I’d personally never seen it this close and she knows this, but she was the first person I saw having the audacity in real time. She must’ve been 19 or 20 at the time and really said “fear be damned”. So to say I was literally gagged and inspired by her gumption is truly an understatement. Fatuma taught me how naturally things happen when they’re destined for you. She’d always tell me how much she loves my writing/storytelling and it’s crazy because it’s the way I feel every time I photograph her and she effortlessly falls into a pose. I will always root for her—not just because she is my chosen family but because she’s responsible for my belief in what is possible.
After spending most of my twenties numbing my dreams with worldly distractions, I realized I’d had enough of the smoke and mirrors. I was so tired of seeing life continue to pass me by. Honestly, I don’t think anything in your life actually changes until you get sick of your own shit and baby, I was SICK. Between my situationship ending, being unemployed for nearly two years post-grad and just being frustrated with the direction of my life— I cried, begged and prayed for a win. Just one.
I had an honest conversation with myself after my 2nd round of interviews thinking, if I get this job… I vow to commit. In everything.
I remember asking myself this one question:
“Is this the life that you want?”
The answer obviously being 'no’— I threatened myself to create the life I did want.
January 2024, I started my new job and once I’d paid off some debts, I booked a therapy appointment.
Needing clarity on several things but more importantly, needing an unbiased, honest perspective to hold me accountable.
I was going to make good on that vow.
While I waited for my appointment, I created an account on Squarespace and built a digital blog space (brick by brick!!!) that I slowly began falling in love with.
I reached out to a fellow creative to point me in a direction to get some basic headshots for my ‘About Me’ section and she encouraged me to do a conceptual shoot. As a true storyteller at heart, it didn’t take a lot of convincing (despite my bank account thinking otherwise).
From ideation to execution, it took about 6-8 weeks, becoming the quickest turnaround time I’ve ever seen any idea of mine into fruition. Audacious.
It wasn’t until May 2024 that I began feeling different, like the therapy was working on me, and the people around me were noticing it too. Somehow, life and things started getting a lot more serious. Suddenly, I had past versions of me looking at me like 👀 almost taunting me and expecting failure. I can’t front, part of me felt compelled to believe them too because the consistency in my approach all year had me feeling unrecognizable, in an uncanny way. I tried to spend as little time as possible thinking about how crazy this all was because if I really deeped it, I knew I’d tweak, hard.
Film photos came back in June from my shoot and I thought it’d be dope to do a showcase/blog launch to celebrate this really insane thing I was doing. I spent all of July mood-boarding and had so much fun doing it (this was always my favorite part and usually where I’d get stuck… but not this time).
August+September came and were insanely busy months— birthday’s, baby showers and personal celebrations had me fully distracted and rightfully so. Given the fact that I had been in my bag all year, I said f*ck it, we ball.
(sidenote: what happened financially in August/September ‘24 can never happen again)
I came home end of September and got straight into it. Full transparency, I planned and paid for everything on my own. It wasn’t that my tribe didn’t ask to help, they did, incessantly. However they also know me and I just don’t trust anyone but myself with my vision. What they say, “if you want it done right, do it yourself”? Yeah. That’s me in a nutshell.
But tbh, putting this showcase/launch together was secretly a way for me to put my money where my mouth is because sometimes I have to trick myself into taking things seriously. By publicizing my commitment to this journey in a kind of radical way, I could utilize it as an accountability partner.
Between all the money spent and time it took to plan despite life still life-ing while having a full-time job, it forced me to really get real.
October 19th, 2024 —
Loved ones flying in, service workers relying on me and my bank account woofing all became harsh reality checks that drove me to make this night unforgettable—for me and for them. And based on everyone’s feedback, that is exactly what it was.
I’ll save the event details for a separate blog post because that, in & of itself, was easily one of the most unimaginable nights of my life.
November 3rd, my birthday, was the official release of this baby of mine that I’d been cooking for the last eleven months. Where had the time gone?
I couldn’t believe launch day was finally here.
I really committed to this dream of mine (that may seem inconsequential to some but of extreme magnitude to me) for eleven months and was now being released for the world to see. I think at one point my body actually went into a state of shock.
I had kept my head down for so long, disassociating and bulldozing through every fear, eyes fully closed, that I became detached from reality. So many tears were shed that night with not a birthday blue in sight.
A week had passed and my analytics report came in while still away on vacation. People in Germany, Egypt and the UK reading my blog???
Like, I’m sorry, WHAT?
I remember bursting into a pool of tears, knee deep in sincere gratitude and assuredness. I was incapable of understanding how my words were reaching strangers in the US, let alone parts of the world I’d never seen.
It was in that moment that I had finally felt and experienced what it meant to have the audacity. To dare to dream. To be so delusional and unflinching in the confidence of your vision, that belief births reality.
“This shit was possible for us too.”
Birthday and blog celebrations all month long, both well-deserved and well-earned. Now in December and in the last few days of the year, I find myself swimming in joy. I am so fucking proud of myself.
The last twelve months have consisted of a profound commitment to self-progression, growth and so much unlearning/relearning. Things I once thought I wasn’t capable of doing or staying consistent in.
I concluded a year of therapy last week in a mutual agreement with my therapist who said I deserved a pause to just live and not spend so much time in reflection. I am posting my fourth and final blog of the year (can’t believe I’m saying that) with more to come. I’ve shown up for my family in ways they will never let me forget. I traveled to my favorite places to see my favorite people. I found love again. I celebrated friendship so many times this year. I relocated my voice, tightened up my circle and enforced boundaries by any means necessary.
All this as well as several other achievements I prefer to keep private, are proof that I, in fact, did make this year my b*tch.
